Saturday, May 30, 2015

The Arrow

A lot can happen in a year...

I started taking online classes, then had to stop because I have no way of "attending" since my Mac finally bit the dust. I plan on starting again this fall, after everything calms down and we're able to get a new computer. It's the waiting that is hard, and the feeling like I've failed again. I just keep telling myself I'll start again.

I endured and finally fought (see:kicked and scraped) my way through a severely debilitating depression. I didn't want to do anything but sleep. Curiously, I opened up to all the wrong people in the beginning, and was chastised and patronized for feeling the way that I did. They made my situation, the struggles I was facing, all look juvenile. As if I was silly for feeling the way I did. As if what had me so stressed was ridiculous, and didn't warrant my being distant.

So, before I could suffer through anymore humiliation, I bottled it up, and kept it from those who actually cared. I cowered away from facing what I was feeling, until one night when I didn't want to feel it any longer. I didn't want to feel anything. Something inside me snapped, and I called one of my sisters. I don't know how she talked me down (I really don't know how she could even understand me), but she managed to save my life that night. I never came out and said what I wanted. It was as if she just knew, and just kept reassuring me that I was loved, that everything would be okay, and that those who would love to see me fail didn't matter in the least.

The next morning, I opened up to Jonothan. I told him how I had felt, and how far I had let it go. I told him, at the end of the night, the only thing that stopped me was knowing that he would be the one to find me. The thought of him going through something so terrible, and all because I was too scared to fight, made me sick. Everyone has their reason, their saving grace, for not letting go. Those people in my life that make waking up every day worth while; they're the ones I lived for, when living for myself was not enough.

Depression is terrifying, and all-encompassing. It affects every little thing, every view-point, every breath. It's not to be taken lightly, and it is not to be mocked. I'm lucky I have people around me who will drop everything to see that I take a breath. I couldn't be more grateful if I tried, and I do try.

I started taking classes at a school of massage. It has been something I've always wanted to do, and I was graciously awarded the opportunity to do so with hardly any money out-of-pocket. While it was originally supposed to be only a six month program, I've managed to drag it out to nearly 9 months, thanks to sleeping everyday rather than attending class. I'm lucky to have an instructor and administrator that understand, and love, and fight for me to finish. I'll be starting again in June, and finishing out the unit that I missed in seven weeks. I'll finally finish something. It'll be amazing.

Thanks to massage school, I gained a group of friends that fought fiercely for me to believe in myself. I am lucky to have them, and -even though I wasn't always present- I could feel their positive intent every single day. 

I quit a job that, at times, made it difficult to breathe. I have no ill-will toward the place or people, but I hate that it came to such a debilitating point for me. I should have seen it coming, but I was too stubborn thinking I could handle all of these things at once. It's a learning process, life. You either bend and gracefully bounce back, or you bend until you break. Then you have to piece yourself back together. We all learn in different ways, and sometimes the break method is my thing.

I started a job at a wellness center working the front desk, and it's a completely different experience. It's the perfect place for me to be in this in-between stage, and will be much more relaxing while I'm finishing school.

Four of my sisters and both of my (soon-to-be) sister-in-laws got pregnant, and all but one has had her baby (so far). I've had a niece or nephew born nearly every 6 weeks or so for the past few months. All the while my uterus is over here like, "What? Oh. That egg I made wasn't good enough for you? Okay. Here's a hissy-fit for you to enjoy instead, then." I was so ready, I thought, for a baby. Then everyone around me started having them, like it was some kind of fashion statement, and I changed my mind. Ain't nobody got time for that...Not now, anyway. Me and my uterus have much to accomplish before we embark on that adventure.

We lost a furry family member, Freya, to life-altering hip dysplasia. We watched helplessly as our surviving dog, Juno, went through her own bought of depression from losing her friend. Then, finally, we gained a new fur baby with Harley Quinn. She and Juno became fast friends, and we're grateful for her quick turn-around. Juno is eating again, and Harley adores her. Juno still sleeps with (and refuses to tear up) Freya's favorite toy, a purple pig that snorts when you squeeze it. You never realize how much emotional depth a dog has until you watch their reaction to death.
Sweet Freya
Juno and Harley

Spring Engagement Shoot
Photo Cred: Tabitha Adcox

I got engaged to the man of my dreams. No, really y'all, he's amazing. I'm not just saying it because it's nice to say. I'm saying it because he proves it every single day. I'm saying it because, when I was fighting an incredible depression, he stuck by me. He didn't turn and run. He embraced me and never let go. He took in all my flaws as if they weren't there. He helped me fight. He reminded me daily how much I was loved. Once again, I'm lucky to have him. I'm blessed to call him my future-husband, and his family my family. 

 I recently had an intuitive therapy session, and it brought up a great deal of emotion. The end result was a fantastic mantra that I grasp tightly to on a daily basis: It's not the destination that is important; it's the journey. Every battle I've faced led me to where I am, and it's where I am supposed to be. If I hadn't left my last job for the sake of my sanity, I wouldn't have ended up working somewhere where I would learn so much about myself. If I hadn't dealt with my depression the way I did, I would have never learned just how bad it can truly get. Now I am thankful for each day, good and bad, because it's never as bad as that night.

So that's my story. That's the past year rolled up into a (super long) blog post. I'm excited about what the rest of this year has to offer, and can't wait to see what surprises it brings.

Friday, December 12, 2014

All that I know is I'm breathing, now.

This isn't a pretty, uplifting, mild-mannered post. If that is what you are looking for, read one of the previous entries. This is real. And raw. And crass. And I don't care.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Updates.... because I know you've all been clamoring for them

     So many things to update, and so little time to do so! I'll stick to the high points, cause the lows are kind of a downer. Massage school is crazy, and wonderful, and intense, and informative and a bunch of other fitting adjectives.  Online school is alright. I'm in a lit class and a math class. Both would be great if my laptop worked and I was capable of participating like I'm supposed to. I can't complain though, I have had it for over 6 years, and it's been through the ringer. I'll just have to figure out a way to make it last a little longer....

     Home life is terrific! The Stud decided I was pretty much a keeper. He liked it so he went and put a ring on it. We're still getting used to using the 'f' word (fiancĂ©e/fiancĂ©, y'all). I have been so burnt out on everything that I threw myself into planning the wedding and have gotten nearly everything planned, so that's nifty.

     The holidays are approaching and I have done ZERO gift shopping. I am pretty much broke from spending all my money on gas and food, so that's probably not going to happen. Hope everyone likes handmade gifts! Speaking of, I've been knitting again. I'm actually making a few things for coworkers, so that's helping with money. I am doing a scarf trade with another coworker, which is exciting because I love her scarves.

     Since I have been really busy losing my mind, I haven't had time to write.... which drives me even further up a wall. I decided I would try my hand at a few more short stories, so I'm in the process of writing those. I'm going to try and put one up this weekend, so here's hoping that gets accomplished.

     Oh, and just about all of my sisters' eggos are prego. So that's super fun.

     That's about it. I know this isn't the best post there ever was, buuut beggars can't be choosers (because, ya know, there people begging me to blog....)

Until next time, y'all....

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Big News, Little Post

Oh my damn, y'all! It's been a great day! Wanna know why?
Guess you'll have to keep reading :)

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Elementary, my dear Watson.

So this past week we had to write a short drama scene for class. I was terrified. I had no idea how to write a screenplay, much less what I would even write about. Thankfully, The Stud's brother is pretty freakin smart, and helped me brainstorm writing topics. Once we settled on one, I started writing. In the middle of it, I scrapped everything I had, and started over with something based off of what we thought of. Guess what? It's pretty great. I'm pretty proud. And I got a pretty "A" on the assignment. Boom.

Here's the finished product for y'all. Enjoy!



A couple sits together on a park bench surrounded by trees, frolicking children, and joggers passing on their afternoon runs.

The WOMAN stares sadly at BEN, holds his hands tightly in hers.

Don't you understand? It's not something I can control! I can't just change my mind.

Ben pulls his hands away.

I think you could, dear. You could if you tried. Don't you love me at all?

A tear rolls down Ben's cheek. The woman wipes it away, and lifts his chin so their eyes meet.

Honey, you know that I do. You also know that has nothing to do with how I feel about him. This is ridiculous. Why are we even having this discussion?

Ben stares at her, bewildered by her question.

Jesus, Ben, you act like this is a deal breaker! Out of everything we have been through, this is what makes you want to throw in the towel?

Ben turns away, crosses his arms over his chest.

The woman lets out an over exaggerated SIGH.

Ben spins around to face the woman.

Are you kidding me right now? What, am I just supposed to pretend you don't feel the way I do? What about him is so appealing to you?

Well... I mean, you know I am so attracted to you...

Ben leaps up off of the bench, fists balled by his sides.

I knew it! It's the muscles, and the hair. I'll bet it's the name, too! Everyone knows him. Everyone!

The woman rises to her feet as well, places her hands on his chest trying to placate him.

Darling, you know that's not it. It's a simple matter of taste, and what I expect to get out of your role. What did you expect? Honestly?

I expected a little class, for one! I expected you to value intellect over brawn. Results over action!

The woman glances away sheepishly.

Oh he gets results, don't worry.

Ben is stopped short. His shoulders hunch, defeated.

Is that it then? That's how you feel?

The woman takes Ben's hand and pulls him back, seated on the bench.

Yes, darling. I told you. I can't help how I feel. He moves me in a way you don't. That doesn't mean this has to end.

I'm afraid it does.

Ben stands, starts to walk away, stops to speak over his shoulder.

I can't be with a woman who thinks DOWNEY plays a better SHERLOCK HOLMES than me.


Monday, August 4, 2014

On Writing, Critiquing, and Homework... and stuff.

     So I've been doing the school thing since April, and I've actually learned a great deal. Most of which revolves around how quickly I can turn out work when I give myself about three hours to finish it. Go me?

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Always few and far between...

So this month has been a whirlwind. It's already over before it's begun. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and this is what I found out: I'm awesome at stuff, so I should do the stuff I am awesome at. Savvy?