The Arrow

A lot can happen in a year...


I started taking online classes, then had to stop because I have no way of "attending" since my Mac finally bit the dust. I plan on starting again this fall, after everything calms down and we're able to get a new computer. It's the waiting that is hard, and the feeling like I've failed again. I just keep telling myself I'll start again.

I endured and finally fought (see:kicked and scraped) my way through a severely debilitating depression. I didn't want to do anything but sleep. Curiously, I opened up to all the wrong people in the beginning, and was chastised and patronized for feeling the way that I did. They made my situation, the struggles I was facing, all look juvenile. As if I was silly for feeling the way I did. As if what had me so stressed was ridiculous, and didn't warrant my being distant.

So, before I could suffer through anymore humiliation, I bottled it up, and kept it from those who actually cared. I cowered away from facing what I was feeling, until one night when I didn't want to feel it any longer. I didn't want to feel anything. Something inside me snapped, and I called one of my sisters. I don't know how she talked me down (I really don't know how she could even understand me), but she managed to save my life that night. I never came out and said what I wanted. It was as if she just knew, and just kept reassuring me that I was loved, that everything would be okay, and that those who would love to see me fail didn't matter in the least.

The next morning, I opened up to Jonothan. I told him how I had felt, and how far I had let it go. I told him, at the end of the night, the only thing that stopped me was knowing that he would be the one to find me. The thought of him going through something so terrible, and all because I was too scared to fight, made me sick. Everyone has their reason, their saving grace, for not letting go. Those people in my life that make waking up every day worth while; they're the ones I lived for, when living for myself was not enough.

Depression is terrifying, and all-encompassing. It affects every little thing, every view-point, every breath. It's not to be taken lightly, and it is not to be mocked. I'm lucky I have people around me who will drop everything to see that I take a breath. I couldn't be more grateful if I tried, and I do try.

I started taking classes at a school of massage. It has been something I've always wanted to do, and I was graciously awarded the opportunity to do so with hardly any money out-of-pocket. While it was originally supposed to be only a six month program, I've managed to drag it out to nearly 9 months, thanks to sleeping everyday rather than attending class. I'm lucky to have an instructor and administrator that understand, and love, and fight for me to finish. I'll be starting again in June, and finishing out the unit that I missed in seven weeks. I'll finally finish something. It'll be amazing.

Thanks to massage school, I gained a group of friends that fought fiercely for me to believe in myself. I am lucky to have them, and -even though I wasn't always present- I could feel their positive intent every single day. 

I quit a job that, at times, made it difficult to breathe. I have no ill-will toward the place or people, but I hate that it came to such a debilitating point for me. I should have seen it coming, but I was too stubborn thinking I could handle all of these things at once. It's a learning process, life. You either bend and gracefully bounce back, or you bend until you break. Then you have to piece yourself back together. We all learn in different ways, and sometimes the break method is my thing.

I started a job at a wellness center working the front desk, and it's a completely different experience. It's the perfect place for me to be in this in-between stage, and will be much more relaxing while I'm finishing school.

Four of my sisters and both of my (soon-to-be) sister-in-laws got pregnant, and all but one has had her baby (so far). I've had a niece or nephew born nearly every 6 weeks or so for the past few months. All the while my uterus is over here like, "What? Oh. That egg I made wasn't good enough for you? Okay. Here's a hissy-fit for you to enjoy instead, then." I was so ready, I thought, for a baby. Then everyone around me started having them, like it was some kind of fashion statement, and I changed my mind. Ain't nobody got time for that...Not now, anyway. Me and my uterus have much to accomplish before we embark on that adventure.

We lost a furry family member, Freya, to life-altering hip dysplasia. We watched helplessly as our surviving dog, Juno, went through her own bought of depression from losing her friend. Then, finally, we gained a new fur baby with Harley Quinn. She and Juno became fast friends, and we're grateful for her quick turn-around. Juno is eating again, and Harley adores her. Juno still sleeps with (and refuses to tear up) Freya's favorite toy, a purple pig that snorts when you squeeze it. You never realize how much emotional depth a dog has until you watch their reaction to death.

Sweet Freya

Juno and Harley

Spring Engagement Shoot
Photo Cred: Tabitha Adcox

I got engaged to the man of my dreams. No, really y'all, he's amazing. I'm not just saying it because it's nice to say. I'm saying it because he proves it every single day. I'm saying it because, when I was fighting an incredible depression, he stuck by me. He didn't turn and run. He embraced me and never let go. He took in all my flaws as if they weren't there. He helped me fight. He reminded me daily how much I was loved. Once again, I'm lucky to have him. I'm blessed to call him my future-husband, and his family my family. 

 I recently had an intuitive therapy session, and it brought up a great deal of emotion. The end result was a fantastic mantra that I grasp tightly to on a daily basis: It's not the destination that is important; it's the journey. Every battle I've faced led me to where I am, and it's where I am supposed to be. If I hadn't left my last job for the sake of my sanity, I wouldn't have ended up working somewhere where I would learn so much about myself. If I hadn't dealt with my depression the way I did, I would have never learned just how bad it can truly get. Now I am thankful for each day, good and bad, because it's never as bad as that night.

So that's my story. That's the past year rolled up into a (super long) blog post. I'm excited about what the rest of this year has to offer, and can't wait to see what surprises it brings.

All that I know is I'm breathing, now.

This isn't a pretty, uplifting, mild-mannered post. If that is what you are looking for, read one of the previous entries. This is real. And raw. And crass. And I don't care.

Updates.... because I know you've all been clamoring for them

     So many things to update, and so little time to do so! I'll stick to the high points, cause the lows are kind of a downer. Massage school is crazy, and wonderful, and intense, and informative and a bunch of other fitting adjectives.  Online school is alright. I'm in a lit class and a math class. Both would be great if my laptop worked and I was capable of participating like I'm supposed to. I can't complain though, I have had it for over 6 years, and it's been through the ringer. I'll just have to figure out a way to make it last a little longer....

     Home life is terrific! The Stud decided I was pretty much a keeper. He liked it so he went and put a ring on it. We're still getting used to using the 'f' word (fiancée/fiancé, y'all). I have been so burnt out on everything that I threw myself into planning the wedding and have gotten nearly everything planned, so that's nifty.

     The holidays are approaching and I have done ZERO gift shopping. I am pretty much broke from spending all my money on gas and food, so that's probably not going to happen. Hope everyone likes handmade gifts! Speaking of, I've been knitting again. I'm actually making a few things for coworkers, so that's helping with money. I am doing a scarf trade with another coworker, which is exciting because I love her scarves.

     Since I have been really busy losing my mind, I haven't had time to write.... which drives me even further up a wall. I decided I would try my hand at a few more short stories, so I'm in the process of writing those. I'm going to try and put one up this weekend, so here's hoping that gets accomplished.

     Oh, and just about all of my sisters' eggos are prego. So that's super fun.

     That's about it. I know this isn't the best post there ever was, buuut beggars can't be choosers (because, ya know, there people begging me to blog....)

Until next time, y'all....
-Sam

Big News, Little Post

Oh my damn, y'all! It's been a great day! Wanna know why?
Guess you'll have to keep reading :)

Elementary, my dear Watson.

So this past week we had to write a short drama scene for class. I was terrified. I had no idea how to write a screenplay, much less what I would even write about. Thankfully, The Stud's brother is pretty freakin smart, and helped me brainstorm writing topics. Once we settled on one, I started writing. In the middle of it, I scrapped everything I had, and started over with something based off of what we thought of. Guess what? It's pretty great. I'm pretty proud. And I got a pretty "A" on the assignment. Boom.

Here's the finished product for y'all. Enjoy!


FADE IN:

EXT. CITY PARK - DAY

A couple sits together on a park bench surrounded by trees, frolicking children, and joggers passing on their afternoon runs.

The WOMAN stares sadly at BEN, holds his hands tightly in hers.

WOMAN

Don't you understand? It's not something I can control! I can't just change my mind.

Ben pulls his hands away.

BEN

I think you could, dear. You could if you tried. Don't you love me at all?

A tear rolls down Ben's cheek. The woman wipes it away, and lifts his chin so their eyes meet.

WOMAN

Honey, you know that I do. You also know that has nothing to do with how I feel about him. This is ridiculous. Why are we even having this discussion?

Ben stares at her, bewildered by her question.

WOMAN

Jesus, Ben, you act like this is a deal breaker! Out of everything we have been through, this is what makes you want to throw in the towel?

Ben turns away, crosses his arms over his chest.

The woman lets out an over exaggerated SIGH.

Ben spins around to face the woman.

BEN

Are you kidding me right now? What, am I just supposed to pretend you don't feel the way I do? What about him is so appealing to you?

WOMAN

(Blushing)

Well... I mean, you know I am so attracted to you...

Ben leaps up off of the bench, fists balled by his sides.

BEN

I knew it! It's the muscles, and the hair. I'll bet it's the name, too! Everyone knows him. Everyone!

The woman rises to her feet as well, places her hands on his chest trying to placate him.

WOMAN

Darling, you know that's not it. It's a simple matter of taste, and what I expect to get out of your role. What did you expect? Honestly?

BEN

I expected a little class, for one! I expected you to value intellect over brawn. Results over action!

The woman glances away sheepishly.

WOMAN

(Mumbles)

Oh he gets results, don't worry.

Ben is stopped short. His shoulders hunch, defeated.

BEN

Is that it then? That's how you feel?

The woman takes Ben's hand and pulls him back, seated on the bench.

WOMAN

Yes, darling. I told you. I can't help how I feel. He moves me in a way you don't. That doesn't mean this has to end.

BEN

I'm afraid it does.

Ben stands, starts to walk away, stops to speak over his shoulder.

BEN

I can't be with a woman who thinks DOWNEY plays a better SHERLOCK HOLMES than me.

FADE OUT.

On Writing, Critiquing, and Homework... and stuff.

     So I've been doing the school thing since April, and I've actually learned a great deal. Most of which revolves around how quickly I can turn out work when I give myself about three hours to finish it. Go me?

Always few and far between...

So this month has been a whirlwind. It's already over before it's begun. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and this is what I found out: I'm awesome at stuff, so I should do the stuff I am awesome at. Savvy?

Toast.

I posted this to my facebook page, and thought I would share it with the three people outside of facebook who read this... 

I remember when my Papa was still around, getting up out of bed around midnight when I would stay with him and my Mema, and sneaking into the kitchen. He'd always be awake, and when I'd wander in wanting a midnight snack or feeling restless, he'd indulge me. Every time. I would shuffle in, and sit down next to him at the kitchen table, and we'd talk. Just me and him. If I was hungry, he would split a Little Debbie oatmeal cream pie between us, and we'd giggle and eat and talk. Sometimes, though, he'd fix me a glass of milk, and make us each a slice of buttered toast. When we were done, he'd walk me back to my room, I would climb into bed, and he would say, "Goodnight, darlin'. I love you," and I'd go right to sleep. 

Tonight, for the first time since he passed away nearly 13 years ago, I got up out of bed, restless and wanting a snack, and made myself a piece of buttered toast. I stood at the counter, eating and drinking a glass of milk, and all of a sudden I smiled. I felt him there. I spoke aloud and told him about my day. When I was done, I walked back to my room, climbed in bed and said, "Goodnight, Papa. I love you, too."

I might have toast every night.

I get knocked down....

... But I get up again! You're never gonna keep me down! Thank you, Chumbawamba, for one of the best worst songs ever. (< I'm sure that'll be up for debate. Save it. That song is about as good as dog vomit on cereal).  Alright. Here I am, over a month after my last post, ready to bare my soul to you five readers about failure and quitting, the affects of drama on fitness goals, and how tough it is to stick to something you so want to accomplish because of the idea that you might actually succeed. Wait, what?

::Insert "Rocky" Theme Music Here::

Via my Instagram
@Sweet_Lil_Raz

Who doesn't love a give-away? Let me just say, if it's free, I'm all about it. If it's free workout gear that I usually couldn't afford, and if I could I would just end up spending the money on candy something else? Yea. I'm all over it. Which is why I put in all four entries to win a $250 gift card to Glyder Apparel. There's only like... 5,000 entries so far.... So my chances of winning are pretty craptastic solid. Why, then, would I share this give-away information with all of you? Because, my friends, there's only about 3 people reading this blog. So what's 12 more entries?

^That's a button. Go on. Push it. 

So go on, head on over to Mama Laughlin's blog (only my favorite blogger ever), and enter to win some neato swag from Glyder! I love the Lotus tanks and the ninja crop leggings.... SO CUTE!
 
And now on to what I've been doing over the past week... And lemme tell ya, it's pretty exciting. Like.. balloon animals, and bouncy houses exciting.

Wrap it Up! ... Just read it, you dirty bird. It's not what you think.

It's not pretty... But it's a damn good start!

Two posts in one day, whaaat? I thought I would let y'all in on how I jumpstarted my weight loss goals for the year. Is it cheating? ... Maybe. Does it make me feel awesome? Uh, Yea! I'm awesome already, though, so... ya know... It's hard not to feel that way. Alright! Enough of my narcissism. Go on. Keep reading. You know you want to.

New Year, New Me? Psh, I'm Awesome. Try Sam 2.0. Beta-Tested and Approved

With the new year fast approaching, I sat down and chose five things I would like to accomplish in the coming year. Feel free to follow along, and watch as I attempt to make good on my resolutions. C'mon. It'll be fun (that's what she said!)

Back to Blogging! Why not start with a Linkup?

So I'm wanting to write again. Do I know what I'll write about? Does a bear eat potato salad every other Sunday with a platypus? Yea. Probably not. But that's okay! So I'll just catch you up on what is going on with this chick... right after I linkup!

Google Reader, who?

So apparently Google Reader went out the window forever ago, and I've been to busy not giving a (boop!) to write. So here I am late in the game letting you know that you can follow and receive updates when I decide to stop being lazy through BlogLovin.com. I have no idea how it works. But I'm following all my favorites through there and Blogger.com anyway so I guess it doesn't really matter if I get it, huh? I'll make a button on the sidebar to follow, or you can follow this link. Until later... maybe... or never. Whatev...


Follow my blog with Bloglovin

KThanksBye :)

Linkup from the ... um... sink-up?

Well, once again I was reading a few of my fav blogs, and saw that Holly over at Where We Can Live Like Jack and Sally was having a Finish the Sentence Linkup.The person with the funniest answers wins a $10 giftcard. So naturally, I decided to join in, if not just for the quick and easy blog post. I'm a sleepy girl, after-all.

A Juno Post.... Because I love my dog just the right amount...

Just thought I'd share a few pictures of my running partner, then and now. Isn't she the cutest??

Shin splints...Oooh the Shin splints...

Pre-run, drinking water, while Juno impatiently
waits to go. The dog loves to run!

Aaand it's been nearly a month since my last post. I'm a slack-tastic blogger. If it makes you feel any better, I haven't slacked on running... Even though the pain in my legs and my ceaseless attempts to make it stop unsuccessfully makes me want to throat punch the next person I see - Bad news for The Stud...I kidd, I kidd. Wanna get caught up? Keep reading, then feel free to comment and tell me WTH I'm doing wrong :)

So I stumbled across some old pictures... FITspiration Found

Alright. So I'm not going to post a super long entry tonight. I'm up later than I would like to be, anyway. I just thought I would show you all what I looked like my senior year of high school, which is the INITIAL weight I'm going for. Once I hit it, I'll know I'm only 10 more pounds away from my ultimate goal. So... here ya go.

Really all that I need is to lose a little and tone up

Oh look. There's no massive muffin top. 

Aaaand I thought I was fat. 

I'm not ready to post a "before" picture yet. So don't ask...

Dear Sam, Are you there? It's me... Sam

Ah, yes. 16 did great things for my hair

So, I was reading a few different blogs again today and came across Where We Can Live Like Jack and Sally. Super cute name, btw. On this woman's blog is a page labeled "Letter to Myself" where she writes a letter to her 16 year old self. I loved it. So cute and heartfelt. Then I got to thinking... What would I say to me? Hmmm...

Non-Scale Victories! Can you dig it??

     So I happened upon miss Katie's blog through Mama Laughlin's blog. I was reading about her story and journey through weight loss and weighing in, when I came across her post about 'Non-Scale Victories.' I liked the idea so much, I thought I'd report my own... What's this? Two posts in a single weekend? Whoa, WATCHOUT! I'm comin' atcha! Here are my non-scale victories for the past week.