You heard - err, read - that right. I've got a lot of talent. Talent that I pretty much waste day-to-day. Does that stop me from wasting it? No. Why? Because I'm scared, that's why. What normal human being is afraid of accomplishing their goals? Not very many. I'd go so far as to say very few. That's me, though. How about a hypothetical? Just for funsies omg I said funsies
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Let's say I dream of being [insert -mostly- attainable dream here]. Let's say I reach it. Great, right? "How wonderful that you could fulfill that dream, Sam! How blessed you must feel! How alive!" No. You know what reaching that goal means to me? A bigger goal. The smaller, first goals are easy to reach, and I'm certain I can succeed in what I'd like to do. It's like climbing a ladder. Any genius with the required appendages can climb up on the first rung. Then the second, then the third. You look around and, hey! You've made it a quarter of the way up. Congratulations, you're a capable human being. Then what? Do you climb back down? Do you take away what progress you've made and return to Earth? Maybe. But that wouldn't feel very good. You wouldn't feel like you had reached as far as you possibly could've. So you take to the fourth rung, then the fifth. Now, all of a sudden, you're in the middle. High up enough to fall and hurt yourself, but not so high that you can see over the trees. Do you keep going? When is it enough? When you've reached the top? Maybe then. So you keep going. You keep climbing. You are nervous, cursing yourself for wearing flip flops instead of tennis shoes, and developing what can only be a flop-sweat caused by the anxiety of being up high enough to break your neck if you fall. But you make it. You make it to the top. You can see above the trees. You can stand atop your house, and look down at all of the lowly peasants neighbors on the ground and know, in this moment, you have attained something that others have not (right this second, in your general vicinity... Cable guys don't count. Those dudes have a death wish; I'm certain of it).
Then what? You could just get back down, and go about your life knowing the highest you've scaled is your roof. You could do that. Wouldn't you wonder, though, if you could've gone higher? Would you not set bigger goals? Maybe not. Maybe you're not concerned with scaling mountains. Maybe this is a bad metaphor. I kinda lost myself in the altitude.... Anyway, my point is, what if I get too big for my britches (welcome to the south, y'all). What if my dreams get too big. When do you stop and say, "Okay. That's enough. I've done everything that I set out to do. There's nothing more." Or do you? I feel like the answer to that is a resounding "No." So you keep setting goals and keep setting goals.... I'm losing myself again. My conundrum here, folks, is that I'm not entirely certain of what I'm afraid of; I just know I'm afraid of succeeding and failing. Maybe that's it. Or maybe the "pressure" to keep topping whatever I've done. Actually. Yep. That's it. (Excuse me while I talk out my issues, Doctor....) When do you stop with the ever continuing competition with yourself? Never?
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So, naturally, because I was scared, I hid. I stopped writing. Why not? It's not like there was anyone waiting for me to write.... And then, out of nowhere, there was. "You haven't written in your blog in a while. You should go home, write tonight." Huh? "Hey, Sam, when are you going to put up a new post?" ....Wha... Me? "Baby, you should really pursue your writing. You could write a book. Or something. Anything." Okay, he has to say that. He loves me, and he has to say those things.... Except he doesn't. No one does. If I just absolutely sucked at writing (< now that was quaint), would people be asking for more? ...Probably not. So, I really started thinking about it. "I could do this. I could really write... like... for a living. I could do it. I could do it... ... ... Oh God. I think I'm gonna do it." I started researching how to start out. What to go for. Where to begin. Freelance writing? Hmm, maybe, but it didn't feel true to me just yet. Maybe I could get more followers on the blog... But what difference would that make? (Other than possibly starting a small following, ya know, of maybe ten whole people...) And then it hit me like a sack of oranges. I need some training. Formal training. Training one usually gets from... wait for it.... SCHOOL.
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As for all of you nay-sayers, I know. There are tons of people with degrees that are doing jack-diddly pertaining to what they spent all their money going to school for. I. Don't. Care. So you can take all of your "Well a lot of good that's going to do you"'s and shove 'em. Do I need your pessimism? That's a negative, Ghost Rider... Writer... BAH! (did anyone else watch that show? Ghost Writer?)
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I'm not going to say I'm definitely going to write more. I'd love to, but I can't make any promises. I can say that I'm not going to hide. So if there is a lapse in writing, I'm not down under the bed hiding from the boogey-man that is my calling. I'm simply too busy writing for school. Or sleeping. Or working. Or eating... super healthy stuff... Like.... pie. Mmm, pie. I'd love y'alls support and encouragement along the way. Lord knows I'm going to whine and complain about deadlines and the such, so be prepared for that. No matter how bad my nerves over going back to class make me want to barf, I'm also very excited. I feel like, this time, I'm going for something that is absolutely true to me. I'm going to school because I want to go. I'm majoring in something I want to major in. No more being influenced. No more following the crowd. I would pick one of the most uncertain of paths... But that's the beauty in it all, I guess... Who knows how it'll turn out?
Until next time, reader(s)...
first awesome on the decision :) second, imo the reason we are afraid of reaching for and obtaining our goals is we are afraid if we reach them then what do we have to dream and wish for ? what is life without dreams and goals? and more people than you think are afraid to reach out n snag them huuugss hon
ReplyDeleteThanks!
DeleteAnd it helps that I'm not the only one, haha. I thought I was defective. Good thing I'm not. My warranty is WAY up. :P
Great job sister! U already succeeded at being the best big sister!
ReplyDeleteLove you!
Rissssssa
Awww thanks, sister! I love you so much!
DeleteI am glad that you are doing something that you love and want to do.I have always said you are good at writing and acting. So go for what makes you happy.Life is to short not to be happy and do NOT worry about what other people think,at the end of the day it is all about what you think.I love you and want only the best for you.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Mema! I am so excited to start this journey! I love love love you!
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